I awoke this morning with a headache and fully intended to have a pity party. Then I received a text from Jimmy wishing me a happy 5 month anniversary. So, I decided to try not to have a pity party even though I had a terrible headache, had to go for more bloodwork, AND had to have a cavity filled (all before 12:30). The reason I had decided to have a pity party is because I have been reminded recently of all the things I can never do again. Such as go to the fair and walk through the livestock exhibits (don't ask me why, but that was a big highlight of mine every year). Worse than that, I can't eat out of 'food trucks' which means I can never again eat a corn dog from the fair or any other fair, carnival, picnic food. Corndogs are my absolute favorite and I would eat at least two every time I went to the fair. They were fresh dipped and fried - add a little mustard. YUM! And when they came out with a FOOT LONG? Shut the front door! Hannah (my 14 year old) said we can make corndogs at home. I think I will have her dress the dogs as small livestock and her, Corey, and Jimmy can black out a few teeth and be carnies. We can do the clear the pool table game and guess my weight, etc. It'll be just like the fair! Only this time I won't get drunk or sunburn, won't come home broke, and won't wonder what, exactly, the attraction is with smelly livestock anyway. I guess my one true regret is that I didn't get to see my great-niece, Samantha's first place zucchini bread on display. I'm sure her mom took a picture.
About 2 1/2 years ago, Jimmy took me to Key West - if you haven't gone, GO! What an awesome place. We had the opportunity to go snorkling off of the Dry Tortugas (if you don't know what/where they are, look it up - it has great history). I declined to go snorkling because the water was too cold. The crystal clear, beautiful blue, perfect snorkling water was too cold. How stupid could I be. Now I can never go snorkling; or swimming in any fresh or salt water; or public pool; or hot tub, etc. I can, however, swim in our pool with our friends and family and avoid the crowds, the seaweed, the jellyfish, oil slicks, etc.
I can never eat at a buffet. We love chinese buffets, too. I can't eat food at outdoor get togethers like family reunions or backyard barbeques for two reasons: One, community dishes (everyone uses the serving utensils or reaches their hand into the same chip bowl) and, two when food is left out, the bacteria begins to grow immediately. For people with healthy immune systems this is typically not a problem. For me, however, I have no immune system and a very small amount of bacteria could put me in the hospital.
I can't see my grandchildren as much as I like. With them being in school and Parker now in daycare, they are exposed to so many illnesses. We all try to be very ambitious about hand-washing and using the anti-bacterial soap, but the germs seem to be everywhere. I had imagined having Parker spend the night a lot and taking him to the zoo and the park. When I am fully healed, I will be able to do those things (with help, of course), but that will be another 7 months or so. I feel like I'm missing his infancy and toddler years.
On the other hand, I lived to see my husband, children, and grandchildren. If not for the transplant I wouldn't still be here to enjoy life which includes spending time with my husband, kids, and grandkids. I wake up every morning breathing easily; I get my kids up and off to school; I do laundry; I paint (paintings, not the house); I go out to lunch with friends and many other things I had not been able to do for quite a while. Despite the whining (see above), I am eternally grateful for the gift I've been given and plan on making the donor family very happy and proud of who received their loved ones lungs. I will not let her death be in vain. I thank God every day for all of my blessings and try to think of ways to make it a great day. Some days it just takes a little longer to kick start my celebration of life and shake off the pity party.
I love you all for listening - I hope I'm not too much of a crybaby and, as always, I ask for your feedback.
Take care and God Bless,
Becky
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